Banned from zoo.
Again?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
