It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
