Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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