i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
