my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
