Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
