just tell him i said nine months
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
