I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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