there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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