I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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