i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
