i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
