i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
