If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
