my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
