I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
