I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
