You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
