I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
