she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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