how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Never joke about your clitoris.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
