Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
