Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
