Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
