My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
