Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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