Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
