I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
