I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
