Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
