My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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