he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
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i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
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trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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