I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
