i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Randomize
