i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
