1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
And then he peed in my hair
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