The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
