my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
