So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
