Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
