made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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