I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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