ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
