dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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