Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
