It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
