It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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