I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You have to summon your inner elephant
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
