That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
