my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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