Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
