I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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