I could make wine with my vomit
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
