I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
