tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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